36 Questions That Lead to Love
March 2nd, 2025
Writer: Naiya Mainigi
The ETA on our GPS was bright red; we still had five and a half hours of our road trip left. My roommate, Avery, and I were on our way to Cape Cod to visit friends from the summer. Traveling the week before Christmas probably wasn’t our brightest idea – we spent more time parked in traffic than actually moving. We had already listened to many road-trip playlists and Noah Kahan’s entire discography, and now, with nothing left to distract us, we found ourselves brainstorming what we should do next.
The week before we left, Avery had come across an article from The New York Times: “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love”. The article was based on a study done by psychologist Arthur Aron, whose goal was to expedite relationships between two strangers. The purpose of the questions is to help you connect with others and gain a deeper understanding of them than you had before.
With the long drive looming ahead, we dove into the 36-questions blindly. Avery and I were far from strangers. We were approaching a year of living together, and by the time our drive began, I had already considered her one of my closest friends. I wasn’t expecting our bond to grow much deeper. If you had asked me then, the questions were just a way to pass the time.
The first few questions were slow and easy. Would you want to be famous? What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? The questions gradually shifted to tougher topics, ones that don’t typically get brought up between friends. We had never touched on these conversations, simply because we never carved out the time or energy to dive deeper. Those little nuggets of curiosity we never thought to ask about before, like hidden chapters in a book we’ve already read.
It wasn’t long before the questions started to dig deeper. Question 7: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? This was a jarring shift in the tone of the car ride. Still, it felt oddly fitting, reminding us of how much we often leave unsaid, even with the people closest to us. These aren’t the types of questions that get brought up at wine night.
And later, Question 18, What is your most terrible memory? Though this question was only halfway through the set, it was the most vulnerable. For a few minutes, a silence settled over the car. In time, we both eventually shared the clear answers from our lives, the ones that had shaped us. These events, while traumatic, morphed us into who we are today. You learn a lot about a person through how they recount heartbreaking and impactful life events.
Questions like number 22 balanced the heaviness with gratitude: Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. Completely raw compliments, ones that comment on your inner values and persona, are rare. Sure, I frequently tell my friends they look nice, and that I appreciate them. However, it is not often I share the reasons I was drawn to them in the first place, and why I enjoy their company. Avery complimented things I didn’t even know she was aware of about me, about my values and morals. I shared why I look up to her so much, and how much I value having her in my life.
Rarely do we take the time to sit and get to know the people around us. We connect with our friends through shared moments, their emotions and reactions, and how they engage with their families. However, sitting and deliberately digging into our pasts, morals, and deepest fears, Avery and I reached a new level of emotional connection - one that even brought a few tears.
No matter how well you think you know the people around you, I encourage you to push to get to know the people around you. You don’t need to try and fall in love, but creating those connections can transform relationships in unexpected ways. Honest, vulnerable moments truly can lead to love.
Check out the full article here: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html
